The following is the transcript of my much anticipated debate with Bill Clinton. Clinton, was not able to attend due to a last minute scheduling conflict (he was at a massage parlor). Timmy, an intern from UC Berkeley took his place. The first debate was moderated by our good friend, Trestin. The next debate will be moderated by Al Gore.
Trestin: The debate format tonight will be seven questions. Both of you will have a chance to an answer three questions first, and both of you will have an opportunity to have the final say on three questions. The seventh question will be given in final Jeopardy format.
First question: How do you plan on dealing with the growing worldwide energy crises?
Parnell: This crisis has come about because demand is outreaching supply. I would reduce misplaced environmental restrictions to open up fossil fuel resources such as coal, oil and natural gas. I would also seek to reduce demand on world power grids, by promoting independent power source technologies that will allow households to operate without the need of largely inefficient power grids.
Timmy: What? (wipes the snot from his nose) My professor says, we need more green jobs.
Trestin: How do we reduce the serious problem of world poverty?
Timmy: Mr. Clinton (voice cracks) feels we need to increase taxes on those who hoard vast amounts of money. We should also seek to promote education in poor nations. We should look at creating a global program similar to the United States Social Security system.
Parnell: Are you stupid? If the richest nation on earth can't afford Social Security, how do you expect poor nations to pay for such a program? The key to overcoming world poverty is removing corruption. My plan to buy world a Coke would go a long way toward achieving this dream, it would also bring down food prices.
Trestin: What would you do to insure that human rights are upheld throughout the world?
Parnell: Unfortunately, this will always be a problem. As long as people are self centered and have hatred in their hearts, no man or government will ever be able to conquer this problem. We can take steps that will reduce this problem, but the answer to this problem will not be found in any governmental body. The answer lies in the religious institutions of the world.
Timmy: Mr. Clinton feels we need to increase the power of international tribunals. We need to give the U.N. the power to act in a time of crisis without being tied down by the objections of selfish nations.
Trestin: As a side effect of advances in travel and communication, we are seeing the rise of a world culture. This world culture is in many instances replacing and erasing local cultures. Is this good or bad? If it is bad, how do we solve the problem?
Timmy struggles to read through his pop-bottle glasses the chicken scratch notes Bill left him and decides to wing it.
Timmy: Umm... It's good to have cultural, like, local tribes and stuff, but you don't want red necks either. I think maybe we should have more degree programs and such for these issues.
Parnell: Timmy, you will be better off if you stick with the notes Bill gave you... I think this is a problem. We need to fight things that are designed to destroy local cultures, soccer and the metric system need to go.
Trestin: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.
Parnell: About four large Aspen logs, or five large pine logs.
Timmy: (still not able to read Bill's notes) I think that question is racist and I refuse to answer.
Trestin: The last half of the 20th century saw an increase in international unions such as the E.U. What role do you envision these nation groups playing in the future of our world?
Timmy: I like the E.U., my professors think it's the only way to reverse the injustices of capitalism and American imperialism.
Parnell: There you go again. I'm seeing groups like this destroying the rich traditions of once great nations. England should be governed by English leaders and English laws; the same can be said for every country. These organizations are an offense to freedom loving people throughout the world. I will do all in my power to reduce the influence of these groups.
Trestin your final Jeopardy question: How do we confront the threat of global terrorism and piracy, without sacrificing individual rights?
Timmy: What is, war is never the answer?
Trestin: I will give you half credit.
Parnell: We need to do our best to not only fight these evils but also fight the cause of these evils. Namely poverty and radical Islam.
Trestin: I'm sorry you did not form your answer in the form of a question. Timmy wins.
That was disappointing. This should make it worth while:
I was about to say who cares what Clinton the oily turd has to say. Love the wood chuck question, wonder how Obama would do at that one. :)
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