by 10:36 AM 0 COMMENTS

The polls have closed in Most of Australia and the South Pacific. The results are still to close to call. There seems to be problems with the ballots and some translation issues in a few countries which give Bill Clinton a huge advantage. Apparently Larry Bird is not listed as my running mate, but is listed as a third party candidate for what is being called the winning party. I should have known something like this would happen, the founders of the company providing the electronic balloting services were the same folks Microsoft fired after Vista was released.

1:35 PM EST- We have discovered that the Clinton foundation holds major shares Diamitron International the company providing electronic voting services in the election. We are receiving reports around the globe of ballet errors favoring the Clinton campaign. For instance, in Canada I appear on the ballet as the candidate for the Hoser Party. I am not a hoser and have never been a member of the Hoser Party! More later...

7:00 PM EST- I have fired my entire campaign staff. The election results have made clear what I suspected all along. This has been the worst campaign ever. It makes McCain's 2008 adventure look like the shining city on the hill. With most of the old world's results already in, it is more than clear I am not going to win. There is some hope however, Larry Bird is currently in second place and could easily overtake Clinton. With that in mind, I am encouraging my supporters in the Western Hemisphere to throw there support behind Larry Bird. More later...

10:30 PM EST- As of this moment Larry Bird holds an almost insurmountable seven point lead. This will mean a lot of changes. French Lick, Indiana will likely become the capital of the world.

More later...

11:59 PM EST- A few stations are still open, but it's all over. I must say I'm pretty disappointed to finish third in a two person race for an imaginary position. Even worse I did not manage to even get double digits. I'm just going to spend a few days sitting in the dark listening to Journey.



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