As those of you who subscribe to my Spanish Twitter feed know; I have been on a whirlwind campaign tour these past six weeks. From Prague to Lima, creepy sandwich shop owners have come to know my soda preferences. A few days ago I had my much anticipated debate with Slick Willy with Al Gore as moderator. Here is how it all went down:
The Goracle: Welcome all to the Tostitos presents the President of the World election debate. I former U.S. Vice-President and inventor of the internet, Al Gore, will moderate this evening's debate. The format will follow that of the first debate minus the Final Jeopardy question.
First Question: What will you do as President of the World to enhance the security of my precious invention, the internet.
Clinton: Cyber security will have a greater impact on the future of global culture than perhaps any other issue. What we have now is a wild west situation. No government or individual is safe from cyber threats. As great of a threat as viruses may be, it is the spread of dangerous ideas which impact our long term security the most. We are seeing paranoia and extremism spread in a dangerous manner. We need more global oversight and regulation. I will work through the U.N. to bring about the changes which are needed.
Parnell: The nature of cyberspace and human nature itself makes impossible a world free of risk. Like the Chinese of old we can build massive walls of protection, but if our enemies are determined they will find a way around. I have found that lasting security can only exist when freedom reigns. My opponent talks of regulation and oversight, I believe that such talk is the foundation tyranny. Are there dangerous ideas on the web? Yes, but I believe the most dangerous idea of all is the extinction of freedom of expression, my opponent champions.
The Goracle: Next Question... The election is less than two weeks away. Who have you chosen as your running mate and why?
Parnell: I have looked at a wide range of possible running mates. Ultimately, I chose someone I know to be a winner, who will not back down. I give you Larry Bird:
Clinton: I think we all know I don't really have a choice, it's either going to be Hillary or a Presidential funeral. (everyone laughs)
The Goracle: The world economy has been struggling, what will your administration do to correct our economic course?
Clinton: (after a dramatic pause looks into the camera) I want the people to know I feel your pain. I feel the pain of the the African goat herder. I feel the pain of the young Chinese student. I will not rest until your pain has been eased. My economic record is clear. I presided over one of the greatest booms in the history of the world. Unlike my opponent, I not only know how to create prosperity, I've done it.
Parnell: Mr Clinton, according to CNN, who is the President of the World?
Clinton: That would be me.
Parnell: That is correct, and the world is suffering. Your time in office has been a disaster. Everyone is suffering. Poor people in less developed nations suffer. Middle income earners in devolved nations suffer. All the while, you and your elitist friends live in luxury. How exactly do you feel our pain? Did you shut your finger in the limo door?
What the world economy needs is less pilfering of the common people by elites like my opponent! We don't need more bailouts for the to big to fail. We need free markets and an alleviation of tax burdens!
The Goracle: As everyone knows, I won a Noble Prize for my award winning documentary an Inconvenient Truth. What will you as to protect the world from my other invention, climate change?
Parnell: Two things need to be done. First, I will demand that leaders of the environmental movement practice what they preach. No more flying in private jets with heated swimming pools while telling the common man he has to ride a bike to work... ( the crowd gives a standing ovation)
The Goracle: What just happened?
Clinton: You just got Pwned!
Parnell: There is more...( the crowd quiets down) Scientists tell us that mankind is the cause of climate change. We need to become more carbon neutral. This is why I am proposing a ban on the sport of soccer. Every year, this sport, the most popular in the world, produces more metric tons of CO2 than any other. I challenge my opponent to commit right here right now, that if elected he will do all in his power to reverse climate change by instituting a world wide ban on the sport of soccer. Will you make this commitment?
Clinton: Not only will I accept your challenge, I will do all in my power to hunt down those who have committed this crime against nature and see they are brought to justice.
Parnell: I don't really believe that climate change is man made. I was not serious when I proposed a ban on soccer. I just want everyone from Seoul Korea to Mexico City to know that my opponent just promised, that if elected, he will not only enact a world wide ban on soccer, but hunt down and punish all who have ever been involved in the game. (the crowd boos)
Clinton: What just happened?
The Goracle: You just got Pwned.
The Goracle: Last question... If ever find yourself out to dinner with an old friend and he paid the tab last time, what do you do when the tab is due.
Clinton: Ah come on man, I can't believe you are still mad about it. You know since the incident in Thailand, Hill has me on a strict allowance.
The Goracle: I know about your secret bank account!
Clinton: (Bill looks at Gore and says in an angry quiet voice) Hill is listening!
Parnell: I would do the guy thing and pay the bill.
The Goracle: (points at me and exclaims) Winner, Parnell!
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about that debate. Clinton is known as a great debater, it turned out good though.
The election is Tuesday. Don't Tread on Us will have live election coverage throughout the day. So, stop in for updates.